Where Are You Daddy?

Written 3.29.13

Where are you daddy?
If you tell me where you are, I'll come find you.
If you tell me you're out at sea, I'll search the entire ocean.
Remember the new dock you built outside on the bay? Well, when the waters are shaky, and the clouds are grey, and the wind is moving, and no one is home, I stand at the tip of the rocking dock.
I pretend that I am the captain at the very head of the ship, charging the way.
I don't know how I ended up on this ship.
I guess I'm just trying to navigate my way to you.

Are you aware that I still search for you in crowded rooms? I look for a friendly face with big eyes, a subtle smile, and a shiny bald head perfectly suited for bed-time kisses.
I look for you in my dreams. I'm glad I found you there once.
I look for you in my mind. I search every crevice for memories of you- but only distant ones. The recent ones hurt too much.
I look for you in the dark corners of our home, just like when we used to play hide-and-seek when I was 8.
I look for you in the back of churches. Surely, you are in the company of angels and spirits.

I look for your touch in other mens' touch. Is that bad? Uncles, cousins, friends, and others have been holding me allot lately, over the course of these few weeks, trying to make me feel better.
But, during each encounter, I search for any moments that remind me of our moments, and they fall short.
They just won't do.
No one can hug me like my daddy used to hug me.

Doesn't God understand that I am meant to be wherever you are?
Every one knows that we belong together.
Every daddy needs his little daddy's girl.
Every little daddy's girl needs her daddy.

Today, I went for a walk in the woods to pray and I looked for you there too.
I walked for hours, waiting for you to pop out from behind a tree.
You would.
I looked for you underneath large piles of leaves, in dark caves, and near the riverbed.
I followed squirrels, thinking that they were bringing me closer to you.
I gave orders to the blue fish, telling them to come back to me once they found you.
I called out to the soaring birds so they can take my note and bring it up to you.
I followed the moving clouds until they ceased. The clouds took me many places, but never to where you are.

I can't believe there existed a time when I was afraid of ghosts.
Now I welcome them with open arms because I know I can give them messages for you.
Last night, I said to a friendly-looking ghost, perhaps an angel, "Can you please tell my daddy I love him?".
I welcome anything that will bring messages to you.

I've acquired a type of madness.
Sometimes the only thing that actually connects me to you is sadness.
Perhaps this is what losing your mind looks like.

These days I have very little energy. But the little that I do have is all for you, daddy.
I take my energy and envelope it in love and send it to you; address unknown.
I know you'll get the message.
I rest well knowing that that it won't return to sender.

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