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7.07.2013

A Letter To My Classmates

A short letter I wrote to my classmates, or maybe to everyone who's been there.
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As I sit here, fully aware of each deep moving breathe, I feel at one with my self; something I haven't felt in a long time- a really really really long time.
Sometimes it's hard to be at one with your self as your self continues to change at such a rapid pace.
The change has been so rapid.
115 days of rapid change.
These moments of stillness paint a picture of peace.

The day it happened, when my universe changed shape, I felt your energy and 2 weeks later I felt it again. Traveling through the cosmos right to my heart. I still feel it when I access a deep place within.

When I think of you, my section mates, I imagine falling off a cliff slowly, and you all smiling warmly, in one big bunch, arms and hearts open, ready to catch me, and then hold me tight and sway me back and forth, like a father-less child.

This past quarter was suffocating most of the time, but many of you reminded me often to take breaths.

Sometimes the air would get so thick and I'd choke on my own emotions, and then someone would affirm in a faint whisper, that there is enough space to hold my grief. Deep breath in and out.

Sometimes I'd feel an inner quaking, even when I was still. Then someone would come pat me on the back, and offer words of encouragement, followed by an intimate hug, which embodied light.

Sometimes I'd turn in circles, on purpose, winding round and round because not moving was too painful. Then someone would be there to unwind me and help me live slowly, honestly, authentically.

Then there were those times, when I'd go deep into a dark hiding place, where I could scream-unnoticed- just the way I like it, in the middle of nowhere, and someone would find me and scream with me.

And then there were those weeks that I went without sleep, walking around delusional, and convinced that It wasn't showing, and then someone so kindly bought me tea to help me sleep. I felt so loved the first time I drank it and when I went to bed, I felt the cushion of your sisterly warmth.

There are so many more profound examples of the ways I felt held by this particular group, and some of those instances involved the simplest of acts.

I thank you, you who I've never spoken to, but who sent me your notes from last quarter and all of your notes as you wrote them this quarter because you didn't want me to be behind...

You, who I've never had a conversation with, who cooked me food constantly because you knew I had no energy to...

You, who greeted me with a kind smile, full of affirmation, every single day...

You, who always genuinely asked how I was doing, and wouldn't let me walk away until I gave you a genuine answer...

You who always cracked the silliest of jokes at the most perfect of times...silly goose...

You, who hardly speak, but always sit with me, with a silence that feels familiar and natural...

And you all who collectively blessed me with concoctions, confections, and affections that have the subtle aroma of love.

See ,I can go on and on and on,
Giving life to these memories like a river.

You have given that river flow- a gentle, strong, and steady flow.
A flow that nourishes bodies and souls- souls that are here, and souls that have left.
I imagine us all floating in a river, Dr. Christy right in the middle, connected to each other, loosely, but still connected.
Creating and experiencing the flow at the same time.
Creating and experiencing the flow at the same time.

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