I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings

i know why the caged bird sings. 

My tribe can hear my song

They respond.

They know its resonance.

- N

Trying to find new ways to witness myself.
What to do when no one around you hears your song, even when you change the notes to suit their key?

Everyone is exploding around me, expecting me to collect their ashes.
Today, I suppressed a pleading cry. 
It was a firecracker that was about to ignite, to illuminate my soul, to bring light to my suffering.
But, I betrayed my heart.

I slowly poured cement on it and I turned into a rock.
This is why everyone perceives me as solid.
But, I feel so transparent.

I wish I could write about happier things on this blog.
Sometimes I'm really happy, kind of.
Most of the time, my feet are on solid ground and I can feel my body.
Sometimes I just fall.

I am light; light as a feather, a falling fleeting fluttering feather falling into an abyss.

These days, I'm so inspired by my own pain.
And my pain is finding different ways to manifest itself.
The pelvis is the seat of fear, and the liver is the seat of anger and frustration.
That explains my new symptoms.
It would be beautiful, if only it wasn't  tragic.

Quick update:
I've started my second year of medical school and it is absurd- even more absurd than the first year.
But I'm too grateful to complain and too inspired to whine.
I feel so lucky to be learning how to heal people, and every day I thank the stars.
I made the choice to be here, and even though it is crazy challenging, it is what I chose and I wouldn't be anywhere else.

Except wherever my father is...

Fuck.....I miss him. 
I think I miss unconditional love the most and I worry I'll never find it again.

Caught in between two worlds and too many thoughts, 


1 comment:

  1. Kiki,

    Time is the greatest healer on earth.