I'm earning my spots.
This probably sounds awful but I've always been truly afraid of getting freckles and moles on my face (and neck). I mean actually terrified and I was never sure why......until I started getting them last year.
I guess all my life, people have always told me that I have a "beautiful face" (and hair). This always had double meaning for me because on one hand it was a compliment to my face, but a subtle diss to every other part of my body. I have always known...or maybe just assumed....that what people really wanted to say was "even though you're fat and therefore ugly in the body, your face is beautiful".
Whether or not that is true, that is what I internalized as the truth, unfortunately.
Thus, I've oddly been very protective of and overly concerned with my face; doing whatever it takes to maintain healthy glowing skin, perfect eyebrows, no facial hair and a perfect complexion with NO SPOTS. And it was going great for 24 years until....
....waking up to freckles and tiny moles on my face one day. Imagine literally waking up to something on your face that wasn't there when you went to bed...but is here now all of a sudden....and can't come off.
I looked in the mirror and screamed. It actually caused me major distress, which is silly to think of now. I'm giggling as I write this. But at the time, I was freaked out.
Now, I almost couldn't care less. The medical student in me
With all the changes I've been experiencing, it doesn't surprise me that I've been changing physically as well. Some of this has to do with clear pathologies that I am aware of; for example liver congestion, yeast overgrowth (usually associated with acidity or excess sugar consumption), or general detoxification can lead to the natural development of dark spots and moles on the body. From a more Naturopathic perspective, this is the body's way of moving stuff that is deeper in the body (e.g, the liver or maybe even the soul, in my opinion) to something more superficial like the skin. Stuff moving from in--->to out.
So, I acknowledge that my changing health has played some role in the development of my spots, but given my stance on the intricate connection of mind, body, and spirit, I can't help but wonder if there's more...like maybe there is a lesson in all of this.
Actually, my teacher says if you feel something, even just a little bit, then it's real.
So, I'll correct myself. I know there is a lesson in all of this.
And I feel like it is a lesson about acceptance and letting go.
I can't believe I didn't mention it on my blog, but I spent my winter break in Haiti. They say that mothers give comfort to their children in times of sorrow, so I escaped to Haiti's arms to let her cradle me during my first fatherless Christmas.
I had a chance to really look at my mom and her sister. And when we got back, I looked really closely at the other women on my mom's side (and recalled the women on my father's side) and voila, things started to make more sense.
For the first time, I noticed that they all have dozens of freckles and tiny moles on their face, much like the ones I've started to develop. In fact, I noticed many of the older women in Haiti had these. I mean I just have 2, but I know more are coming. And I couldn't help but think about the genetic component of my new spots and how cool that is.
Maybe these freckles are imprinted in my genetic code and it's just time for me to earn my spots...I've been through allot of shit, and I'm just earning...spots to show it.
In some ways, it's kind of cool. It makes me feel like I'm being initiated into some kind of club; a club of fierce female cheetah warriors, which they are after all, and I kind of like it.
Stay engaged in your process,